Thoughts (The 100 Bellarke)
by hellabellarke
Summary: Post 4x13; Bellamy is struggling with nightmares about Clarke around the time of the four-year anniversary of her death, and nothing seems to help. (Lots of character perspectives and a few other couples so be prepared for that) Rated T for language Characters: Bellamy B, Clarke G, Echo, Emori, J Murphy, Raven R, Harper M, Monty G Couples: Bellarke, Memori, Marper, Becho,
1. Chapter 1

Thoughts

(The 100; Bellarke)

"Bellamy!" Clarke's desperate cry is barely audiable over the raging storm of Praimfaya, and the glass helmet that encompasses her face muffles her voice even more.

You'd probably have to be paying very close attention to hear her.

But I did. Because the second I'm not paying very close attention to Clarke Griffin is the day I die.

I turn at the sound of her voice.

"Clarke, if this is one of those times where you tell me to use my head — " I start, faintly annoyed at her outburst, considering our time crunch.

I glance at my arm. 25 minutes.

25 minutes until the end of the world.

"No, Bellamy, I just . . ." She trails off, her face tense with worry and . . . fear?

I've seen Clarke Griffin confused, worried, and enraged even, but never afraid.

My mind instantly drifts back to the conversation we had earlier, in Becca's lab. She was so certain that she wouldn't make it through today . . . No. I can't thinik about that. Not now. I needed my head in the game, I needed to not worry about Clarke for once.

She'll be fine.

"Hurry." Clarke finally finishes, her eyes flashing with all the words she can't say.

"You too." I reply curtly, before turning away from her and following Murphy down the trail into the wood. I don't look back. I'll have plenty time to talk to her after this is all over.

— — —

Bellamy thrashes in his sleep, for at least the third time this week. I lean over him, concerned.

His nightmares were getting worse. They always did at this time of year.

"No, no!" He shouts, his body shaking violently as a mixture of tears and sweat drip down his face, which is contorted with grief.

"Clarke . . ." He breaths, and anger bubbles up in my stomach. After everything I've done for him, every tear he's wept while I held him, every lonely night where he just needed somebody, everytime I stayed up all night with him, to make sure his nightmares couldn't get him. Even when my eyelids drooped and exhaustion took over my body, I forced myself to be there. For _him_.

"I'm sorry, please . . ." Bellamy mumbles, his voice a combination of sorrow and anguish. I can't believe she still has a hold on him. She's been dead for four years, and she can still hurt him.

I want to scream in anger. I want to hit someone or kill something. But I can't. All I can do is watch as my boyfriend dreams about someone else. _Again_.

"No . . . no, no!" He screams, his eyes flying open as he shoots up in bed. He throws his head around in confusion, trying to make sense of his surroundings. When his eyes meet mine, realization crosses over his features.

He's silent for a minute, catching his breath. Then he speaks.

"Hey," He croaks, his voice raw from yelling.

"Hey." I reply simply, trying not to let the pain into my voice.

He must've noticed though, I've never been that good at hiding things, especailly from Bellamy.

"Are you okay?" He asks, the concern in his voice making me want to do nothing more than to scream in his face 'Do you even care!?'. But I don't. Instead I breath in deeply, trying to calm myself.

"Are you?" It sounds harmless enough, but Bellamy and I both know the question was really to avoid his.

He looks away, embarassment written clear as day, which I haven't seen in a while, on his face. When he brings his eyes back up to mine, it's like the heavily guarded walls of Bellamy Blake have came tumbling down, and I see the real him.

Hurt, scared, and alone. But as quickly as I noticed, the walls are back up, and his face hardens.

"Echo, I — "

"Forget about it." I mutter, forcing a fake smile.

"As long as you're okay." I say, looking up at him, trying to read his expression, but I come up blank; no surprise.

He smiles sadly and lifts up his arm, inviting me into his gentle grasp. I slide into bed beside him and rest my head on his chest.

Soon enough, sleep washes over me like a wave.

— — —

I look down at the petit figure in my arms. Her blonde-brown hair flowing out from her head like a river.

With a pang of guilt, I remember how sad she was, and I know she heard everything I said in my dream.

She doesn't deserve this. I'm still weak. It's been four years, and I'm still weak.

I blink back the tears that threaten to drip down my freckled cheeks and try to ignore the aching emptyness I feel in my chest.

Like someone has ripped out my heart and stomped on it.

Everyone tells me I need to forget about her, and move on. But how to hell do you do that?

I pull Echo closer to me, trying to drown out my thoughts, but the more I try to forget, the more I wish I was cradling a head of blonde hair, as she looked up at me with her big blue eyes, full of wonder.

 _No._ I think. This is wrong.

I shake the thoughts from my head and let a tear drip down my cheek at the realization that that's all they'll ever be.

Thoughts.

 **. . .**

 **Hey guys! Thanks for reading, this is the first chapter to come out of many, so stay tuned. Please review! You're input means a lot to me. I hope you enjoyed, love you guys. 3 P.S I know I'm a terrible writer don't hate please :))**


	2. Chapter 2

Bellamy's shouts echo through the long, metal corridors of the ark. I close my eyes, trying to block it out.

"It's that time of year again." I mutter to myself as I fidget with the radio on the control panel stretching out in front of me.

I let out a long, frustrated sigh. I've been working on this radio for four years. But no matter how many times I twiddled the knobs, and set the frequency, the same, taunting crackle of a dead end return my calls.

I shake my head and bring the radio to my lips, like I've done every day the whole time we've been here.

"This is Raven Reyes, reporting from the Ark. We have seven survivors, Monty Green, Bellamy Blake, John Murphy, Harper McIntyre, Echo kom Azgeda, Emori, and myself, Raven Reyes."

The neverending static on the other end laughs at me, but I continue my speech.

"We have all the nessecary resourses up here to ensure our survival until the return to the ground. The dropship will enter the atmosphere with about a 75% chance of survival."

Bellamy let's out another cry.

"We will need to be in the correct position on—" A wail interrupts me. I clear my throat.

"-the correct position on the ground, so we make it close to where—" This time, it's not just a random, animalistic yell, this time, Bellamy says something.

"Clarke, please!" At the sound of his anguished voice saying her name, a name we have hardly brought up since the day we arrived, I break.

"Abby," I hear myself whisper uncontrollably through the radio.

"Abby, I'm so sorry, we should've waited but, there wasn't time." I breathed in quickly as my voice crack over the last few words.

"I'm so sorry . . ." I murmur, trying to steady my breath as I apologize to no one.

Then the quiet buzz of nothingness on the other side is too much, and I feel myself throwing the receiver on the control panel, as I sink the the ground.

I don't know how long I sit there, but my back aches and my legs are in desperate need of a stretch, before anyone finds me.

"Raven?" The lightly accented voice stirs me from my half sleep, and I look up quickly, causing me to flinch at the pounding in my head.

I must've been curled up against the desk for at least an hour.

Emori stands in the doorway, her face masked with concern.

It dawns on me, only now, how much she's changed. Standing there, in arker clothes, her accent slowly fading, it would be almost impossible to tell she was a grounder, if not for the large circular tattoo she wore proudly just under her eye.

If it weren't for that, and her hand, I would've easily believed she was born up here, just like the rest of us.

"It's late." She simply remarks, taking in the sight of me, sad and defeated.

"I know, Ri." I say, standing and stretching, before turning back to the radio.

"But I need to contact the ground. Everyone's down there." Everyone but Clarke. I don't have to say it, Emori can se it in my eyes as her face softens.

"What are you still doing up?" I ask, despretly trying to change the conversation.

I was just as surprised as anybody when me and Emori bonded. We had stayed up together a couple times, Emori giving me company while she was working and me being Emori's shoulder to cry on when she missed the ground.

And after four long years, Emori had become one of my closest friends, without either of us realizing it.

"Couldn't sleep." She answered shortly, but judging by her messy hair and the drowsiness in her eyes, she could tell it was a lie. She had probably woken up, and realized I was still up. I smiled a bit, I never realized how great it was to have a friend when you needed one until now.

Suddenly, another agonized scream broke the silence. I flinch, and watch Emori do the same, before quickly glancing down the hall to Bellamy's room.

"I'm no doctor, but shouldn't he be, I don't know, healing?" Emori says quietly, and I surprise myself when I'm shocked that she actually confronted the situation directly. Maybe it was because she's Emori, and I shouldn't be shocked by anything she says, but I know deep down it's because as much as I hate to admit it, we have all ignored talking about it, for four years.

I let out a defeated sigh and my eyes drop to the ground sadly. Feeling a pang of sorrow for Bellamy.

"He loved her, Ri." I say, sadness creeping into my tone. My mind drifts to Finn but I shake my head. That was a long time ago.

"Even if that hotheaded idiot doesn't want to admit it, he loved her." I try to laugh,but it comes out as a pathetic croak.

Emori walks towards me, and wraps her arms around me in a hug.

When she lets go, I quickly wipe away the single tear that dripped down my cheek.

"I just . . . I never thought we'd have to do this without her, you know?" I start.

"She was my best friend." I stare at the ground.

"And I miss her."

— — —

I was torn away from sleep as shrieks ripped through the once silent air.

I leaped out of bed, and readied myself for a fight, before I remembered where I was.

Emori shifted uncomfterably at the loss of my body beside hers and let out a small whine.

"John?" She mumbled, her voice drowsy. I bent down and gentley kissed her forhead.

"Stay here," I whisper soothingly, "I'll deal with him." I say, and throw on a pair of pants and a shirt.

"Be nice," she warned, her voice groggy.

"Do you know me?" I joke, smirking and she opens an eye and give me a hard stare.

"Yes, and that's why I'm worried." She says, a smirk playing at the corner of her lips.

"Ha ha." I reply sarcastically, before leaning over her and placing a delecate kiss on her soft lips. Then I walk out the door and across the hall to Bellamy's room.

But instead of seeing him, I am greeted witha disheavaled Echo, sitting in his recently occupied bed.

She looks up at me, her eyes full of pain, as she tilts her head to the left, motioning toward the next room over. She doesn't say a word. She doesn't need to.

I just nod silently, before walking out and heading next door.

Printed on the slightly opened door in blocky letters, is; PRISONER 037 "C. GRIFFIN". I sigh and push the door fully open to reveal a broken looking Bellamy Blake, sitting on the floor.

His head is in his hands and his knees are pulled up to his chest.

He glances up quickly when I walk in, his cheeks streaked with tears.

"Bellamy, I . . ." I start, but I stop short when I look around in awe.

Covering the walls, floor and ceiling even, are charcoal drawings of the ground. The pictures seem to come alive when I look at them, sparkling waterfalls, endless vasts of trees, pale sunrises, that are somehow vibrant at the same time.

I've only been in here once before, and that was so long ago I can hardly remember. But looking around at this art, I don't feel like I'm in to cold cluthes of te ark, I feel like I'm drifting away, back to the ground. Back home.

"Amazing, right?" Bellamy's quiet, cracking voice yanks me back to the present and I nod solemnly.

"Amazing."

—

Tonight's nightmare was different. Worse.

She was there, I held her in my arms and I was happy. Actually happy.

"Bellamy?" She had said, her voice sounding like heaven.

"Yes?" I had sighed contentedly, gazing down at the beautiful girl beneath me.

"Why did you leave me behind?" Her voice sounded innocent at first, but by the time she finished speaking, it rasped and croaked.

"What?" I asked, trying to make sense of everything, my head was fuzzy with happiness.

She turned around to face me.

And I wished she hadn't.

All of her skin had turned bright pink and bubbly, as her eyes nearly popped out of her head. Her hair, which had been soft and silky just seconds before, turned dry and brittle in my hands, falling out in clumps between my fingers.

"Why did you leave me behind?" She repeated, her voice hoarse and raw.

"Clarke!" I shouted, exasperated. Watching her fall apart right in before my eyes.

"Clarke, what's happeneing to you!?" I shrieked, desperatly trying to put her back together. Her skin had turned dark red and callused and her blue eyes began to cloud.

"This is what radiation does to you." She rasped as she began to crumple.

Then she was nothing but ashes in my hands.

"No," I cried. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for leaving you." Tears dripped out of my eyes as my voice broke.

Then my eyes flew open to Echo, sitting over me, nudging my shoulders gently, eyes full of concern.

"Bellamy!" She had practically shouted, relief flooding through her features.

"Bellamy, are you okay?"

"I can't . . . you, you don't deserve this. I'm sorry." I had said, before pushing past her and running into Clarke's old cell, somewhere I hadn't been in over a year.

And now, here I wa, waiting for Murphy to say something, to ask if I was okay, or to tell me to suck it up, but he didn't. He just sat beside me in comforting silence.

He didn't speak for a long time. And when he did, it wasn't about Clarke.

"We get to go home soon." He noted, staring at the landscapes, that are so full of life, it's hard to imagine the person who drew them isn't.

I cringed inwardly at the word "home", because it didn't feel like home if she wasn't there.

 **. . .**

 **WOW this is a long chapter. It's almost twice as long as the last one oops sorry. I'm actually really surprised at the amount of views I got on the last chapter so thank you guys so much, it means a lot 3 So here's the second chapter, I decided to make Raven and Emori friends because idk I thought it would be fun. Please review because you're input actually means so much to me. Don't hate please I know I'm bad :))**


	3. Chapter 3

I opened my eyes, and instantly shut them against the bright, harsh lights. My back ached, and when I finally brought myself to open my eyes again, I was surprised to see Murphy stirring beside me.

Before I realized where we were.

I stared around at the artwork strewn across the abandoned cell, letting my eyes flicker across each scene, and willing the tears not to come.

Then I remembered what day it was.

I stand on shaky legs, and walk out of the room silently. Towards where I've gone too often. Where I've gone on this day for the last three years.

As I walk down the halls, I feel like I'm in a dream. Like we've gone zero gravity and I'm floating higher and higher with each step.

When I reach the window, I stop. I let a small, sad smile tilt up the corners of my lips, as I relieve everything I can remember. I look down at the ground, where I stood four years ago today. Where I could see trees in every direction. Where rivers sparkled in the sun, that lit up the sky in shades of blue and gray. Where I was free.

Where _we_ were free.

I stare sadly down at the planet beneath me, once green and full of life, but now cloaked in an everlasting cloud of darkness.

Only one more year. One year until the cold, metal embrace of the Ark releases us.

One year until I get to hold Octavia in my arms again.

One year until I can taste the sweet air, and clear fresh water. Until the autumn leaves crunch under my boots again.

But the worst part of this, is that when I woke up this morning, when my mind was still groggy from sleep. I forgot. Just for a second. I let myself believe for one minute.

I let myself believe I'd see Clarke again too.

And then I remembered.

And then it _hurt_.

I closed my eyes and willed myself not to think about life on the ground without Clarke Griffin.

I try not to remember when she left camp after Mount Weather. I try not to remember how I barely survived.

That was a few months.

This is forever.

 _"I think we deserve a drink."_

 _"Have one for me."_

I let my eyes drift to the ledge of the window, and flutter over the untouched, empty bottle of liquor.

I try not to think about how we could've shared that.

I try not to remember when she told me she needed me, when I had no hope for myself. When I thought I was a monster. I try not to remember the way she looked at me. It wasn't pity, or sadness.

It was understanding. It was empathy. It was kindness.

I try not to remember how it made me feel, to know I didn't have to be alone.

I try not to think about what I would have said to her, if she didn't interrupt me by the water that day.

 _"Clarke, if I don't see you again..."_

 _"No, you will."_

I try not to think about how I would've finished that sentance. I try not to think about how it could've changed everything.

I try not to remember what was going through my mind when I caught her, and saved her from falling into the grounder trap on the third day on the ground.

 _"I'm going to get that wristband, even if I have to cut off her arm to get it."_

I breathe in and out deeply, as if I could somehow just exhale, and she would leave my thoughts for good.

I cringe at the thought of our first few days back on the ground.

Everyone was going to count on me, but they won't even know who they're counting on. Even I didn't fully understand who I was without Clarke yet.

I _needed_ her. There was no denying that.

" _I need you."_ Clarke's words echo painfully in my head.

 _"We need each other, Bellamy."_ She says, her voice tortuting my thoughts.

 _"I need the guy who wouldn't let me pull that lever in Mount Weather by myself."_ I squeeze my eyes shut, as if that action will somehow erase her from my mind.

It didn't work.

 _"You want forgiveness?"_ I imagined her, staring up at me with her big blue eyes, her perfectly sculpted face contorted with worry.

 _"Fine, I'll give that to you."_

 _"You're forgiven."_ I feel hot, wet tears streaming down my face as her words pound against the inside of my skull.

Then I lose it.

"I'm sorry!" I yell at nothing.

"I'm sorry, okay! I... I..."My voice cracks as my mind searches for a way to finish my sentence.

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. All I know is I can't do this on my own.

"I can't do this without you." I whisper, defeated.

 **. . .**

 **okkk this is only about Bel, but I kinda really like it. I know it's been a while since I last updated but I've been really busy. Tomorrow I'm going back to school :(( so I won't be able to post chapters as often cos homework and such.**

 **Don't be a silent reader!**

 **x**


	4. Chapter 4

Today something different, something _crazy_ , happened. I'm not still entirely sure what it was, I mean, it could've just been an interruption from a meteor, or a windstorm on fiery Earth, or I even just leaned on it weird, but today, the radio made a different noise.

It was pretty early, probably just after four, but I heard it, I know it.

I was working on the radio again, and I was messing with the knobs, and doing my daily update on life on the ark, in case anybody was actually listening, when I heard it.

The frequency shifted, ever so slightly, but it still happened. It could've easily been the bunker, maybe it was,but it wasn't just a frequency shift. I heard a voice. I heard _her_ voice.

And the reason I'm so sure, is because of what she said.

 _"Bellamy,"_ the radio had sputtered, then cut out into the electronic buzzing that I always hear. She said his name, and believe me, I know how she says his name. I know what it sounds like when you're in love with someone. Then a thought springs to my mind

 _I should tell him._ I think, he needs to know if... _No, get a hold of yourself, Reyes, get you're head in the game. She's gone. Dead. You're just tired_.

I sigh and rub my eyes, but I know I can't go to bed, I know I can't just leave the radio when this is literally the first thing that has happened on it in 1461 days, and counting.

So I settle down in a chair, and hold the radio to my ear, waiting for something, anything at all, to happen. Waiting for her voice to break through the static. Waiting for something that tells me I'm not crazy. But that doesn't happen. Not before darkness clouds my vision and sleep washes over me.

—

"I don't know how much longer I can do this without you, Bel." I say, before shutting the radio off and sniffing, willing myself to not let the tears drop, that have already formed in my eyes.

I stand slowly and collect all the parts of my makeshift radio, before heading back to the rover. At this point, I don't even wait for an answer. There wasn't one on day 1, and there won't be one on day 1461. I don't even know if they're alive. If _he's_ alive.

Once I reach the rover, I grab my sketchbook off the passenger seat, and skim through the pages until I find the one. The one that I look at when I start to forget. When I start to forget what he looks like.

I breathe a sigh of relif as my fingers slide across his freckles, in the messily sketched drawing of him. I tried to capture his exact look, when I drew it, all those years ago, on my third month alone. I had found the book and it was the first thing I did, to make sure I didn't ever forget.

It still scared me, though. Imagining not remembering what his face looked like. It's times like this, when my mind draws a blank at his face, and I have to run to my book and find him.

He gives me so much comfort, and he's not even here.

I try not to think about why.

—

I wake up beside the window. I rub my face, and glance out of it again, one last time.

It's then that I make myself a promise, that I promise myself to move on, to never come back to this window. To never visit her cell, maybe if I forget about her, it won't hurt so damn much.

So that's what I'm going to do.

 **. . .**

 **sorry i haven't posted in forevvverrrrr! schools been suuuper stressfulll, but i really like this, and i hope you guys do too! ily all and tysm for your support 3 (also follow my ig duhbellarke)**

 **don't be a silent reader!**

 **x**


	5. Chapter 5

**warning: strong language**

I haven't seen him in two days.

And forty-eight hours is a long time of not seeing someone who literally lives in a metal box with you and five other people.

It's not like I haven't been looking. I had been checking all around all afternoon. But, nope, he was no where to be found. It was like he had just disappeared out of thin air.

I had checked 'the window' first, not there. Then Clarke's old cell, no luck. After that I had no idea where to start, so I just started checking practically every room.

"Bellamy?" I called as I opened another room, and was not surprised when I was greeted with another empty cell. I sigh, frustrated.

It's not like I was worried, or wanted to apologize, _like hell._ No. I was _pissed_. He thought he could just throw me around and take me or leave me whenever he wanted. Fuck, no. I wasn't having his bullshit.

Besides, I have needed to confront him about this for _years_ now, and I was fed up with him pretending he wasn't in love with someone else. I needed to get it through his big head that he had, no, _has_ , feelings for her.

I stormed out of the room and down the hall, swinging open every door visible, but Bellamy wasn't anywhere.

I squeezed my eyes shut, racking through my brain to find something that could tell me the location of my _ex?_ -boyfriend.

Then a light bulb blinked on in my head. _The airlock chamber._ During the first few months of being on the ark, I caught him standing inside the sealed off room, his hand lingering over the red button. The _release_ button.

Panic instantly replaced my annoyance and fear pumped through my veins as I raced toward the chamber. What if he was going to do it? _What if he had already done it?_

Even if I was furious at Bellamy, we had been friends long before we had been together, and I would never wish death upon him.

When I reached the chamber, I felt myself sigh in relief when I saw him, leaning against the outside window, but at least this time he wasn't sealed in.

He was just staring into deep space, his expression blank. There was no pain in his eyes. There was no _emotion_ in his eyes.

I approached him cautiously, stepping into the chamber. It was then I noticed he had shaved his scruff, and his hair was damp, as though he'd just showered.

He looked clean. He looked like he was _trying_. Something he hadn't done in a while.

"Bellamy?" I asked quietly, and his head snapped away from the window, his eyes landing on mine. Still, as I looked into his brown orbs, I saw nothing.

"Echo," He greeted curtly, turning his attention back to the window. I frown at his lack of actual acknowledgement of my presence.

"You okay?" I ask, expecting him to flinch, or pain to flash over his features, like _always_ , but all I get is a quick blink.

"Mmhm." He says, clearly limiting his social interactions. With me at least.

"Well then what the hell was the bullshit you pulled the other night?" I ask, my anger resurfacing.

He doesn't answer. A vein in his neck pops out as I see him strain, to not do what, I don't know.

"Well?" I ask, my arms locking across my chest as he continues to stare.

He glances at me, his eyes empty.

"I'm sorry." He says, yet his voice is emotionless. I frown in confusion at his actions, my head spinning as I try to understand.

"What is up with you?" I yell, my voice sounding even louder in the small space.

His eye twitches and he closes them both, breathing deeply.

When he turns his head back to face mine, he stares at me, his eyes dark pits of emptiness.

"Nothing."

Anger bubbles up inside me as grit my teeth, and his face tilts back toward the window. Before I can even think about what I'm saying, the words spill out of my mouth like a waterfall.

"You can't just do that, Bellamy! You can't just pretend that you don't feel, pretend that you couldn't have a care in the world. You can't just pretend that everything okay, and that you're not hurting, because you are! We all know it, we all see it! You can't just pretend that you're not still in love with her!"

Bellamy freezes as the last sentence leaves my mouth. _Shit_. I curse inwardly. _Why did I say that? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid_. I scold myself, but Bellamy is just staring at me, his mouth hanging open.

"Wha-what did you say?" He asks quietly, _threateningly_. His voice wavers ever so slightly, and his eyes are filled with anger.

I don't answer. I just shoot him a sorry look in response.

"What the _fuck_ did you just say?" He repeats, his voice raising.

I grit my teeth and clench my fist. "Somebody had to say it, Bellamy," Is my weak response.

Bellamy's eyes widen in anger and I'm worried he's going to start yelling, or do something impulsive, but then his body slumps in on itself and his eyes drop to the floor, refusing to meet my gaze.

"You should go." His voice cracks.

"Bel—" I start, reaching out my hand to place it on his arm, but he swats it away.

" _You. Should. Go._ " He says, accentuating the words clearly, his voice strained.

I open my mouth to reply, but quickly clamp it shut, worried I'll just screw up again. So I swallow my words and nod quietly, my shoulders slumping as I trudge out of the airlock cell.

The last thing I hear is a quiet sob from Bellamy, before I am out of earshot.

—

"Emori! Emori wake up!" I hear someone whisper-yelling, and feel two hands shaking my shoulders gently.

"Huh?" I ask, my voice groggy. As far as I was concerned it was still the middle of the night, and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep, but Raven's voice sounded distraught, yet _excited_.

"Just get up!" She says, dragging my out of bed by my wrist. I sigh and give in, following her down the hall.

"What happened?" I ask, confusion written clear on my face. Raven glances at me, her face lit up with exhilaration.

 _"It's the radio."_

 **. . .**

 **BOOM CLIFFHANGER! omg guys I literally haven't updated in four months I'm so so sorry I've just been stupid busy with school :'( but i hope you enjoy it and I promise I will update with chapter six really soon :)**

 **don't be a silent reader!**

 **x**


	6. Chapter 6

_"You can't just pretend that you're not in love with her!"_ Echo's words echo tauntingly in my head as I try desperately to erase the idea out of existence.

In love with her? With Clarke? No. No way.

I shake my head for what feels like the millionth time in the last ten minutes since sent Echo away. Since I cursed at her. I felt guilt gnaw at my stomach, but it was nothing compared to the aching I felt inside right now.

It was as if Echo had scarred those words into me. Those words that... weren't true.

I didn't love her. Not like that. I couldn't. Even if I did, what good would admitting it do?

She was gone. _Dead_.

So there was no _fucking_ point in loving her. Not anymore.

I squeezed my eyes closed and paced up and down the airlock chamber in annoyance. I felt my eyes well up with tears and let out a loud groan of frustration.

Why did I have to care so damn much.

Suddenly I changed direction and my feet marched right out of the chamber and toward Echo's room. If I couldn't make everything right, at least I could make something right.

When I reached to door, I knocked quietly, only to be met by silence. I almost thought she wasn't there when she called out from inside, her voice muffled by the large metal door between us.

"Yeah?" She called, and I gulped, the guilt suddenly feeling stronger.

"E-Echo? It's me." I reply, but don't get a response. I hear shuffling inside the room and suddenly the door is flung open and I am met by a fuming Echo, her eyes practically red with rage.

"Echo, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have spoken to you like that, I just-" I am cut off when I feel a stinging pain shoot across my cheek.

She punched me.

"Yeah, you should be." She spat, rubbing the back of her knuckles lightly.

I moved my jaw from side to side and rubbed it with my hand, trying to ignore how much that hurt.

"Damn, you throw a good punch." I say, hoping she had gotten out all her anger for the time being.

"Don't act like you don't know." She hissed, before slamming the door in my face.

Okay, I deserved that. I let out a long sigh and backed away from the door, finding myself wandering down the empty corridor. I seemed to encounter a lot of these her, with such a big ship, and only eight of us.

 _Seven_.

Once again, my mind drifts to _her_.

Oh, what I wouldn't do to see her smile on more time. It was rare, Clarke Griffin, smiling? Now laughing, that was a whole nother story. It was practically unheard of.

Yet I always managed to get one from her, if I tried hard enough.

I let my lips curve up in a small smile at the thought of her. My eyes drifted to the floor and I sighed lightly.

The deed didn't just go one way, either. She could always put a smile on my face. It didn't matter if we were under attack by grounders, mount weather, or even facing the end of the damn world.

There was just something about her.

There used to be.

I swallowed the large lump in my throat at having to go back down to Earth and be greeted by her loss. I didn't quite know, but I had a feeling Earth wouldn't be the same without her.

Nothing was.

—

"It's the radio."

Suddenly, I am wide awake, and my intrest is peaked. When we make it to the control panel, Raven smirks largely as I begin asking questions.

"Is it the bunker? Are they okay? How's Octavia? Can we talk to them? Did they hear you?" The questions firing out of my mouth.

"Calm down, Ri." She replies, laughing.

I just stare at her, raising my eyebrows, hoping she can answer at least one of my questions.

"I don't think it's the bunker." She says, and I frown in confusion.

"Who else is left?" I ask, trying to think of anyone else who would try to contact us.

"Maybe you should just listen." Raven says, and she plays the recording she took of it.

 _"Bellamy, if you can hear me, if you're alive..."_

 **. . .**

 **HEY I FINALLY UPDATED. idk i was just feeling inspired from all the feedback I've been getting. i don't know if i'm going to continue this story once season 5 comes out, APRIL 24TH IM READY! if you think i should then let me know and i might. i'm sorry for the short chapter, but ECHO PUNCHED BELLAMY YAY! haha i know that a few people wanted that so there it is :)**

 **don't be a silent reader!**

 **x**


	7. Chapter 7

I watched Emori's jaw drop when she heard the voice playing over the radio, and I let out an excited chuckle at her expression, realizing my reaction was probably very similar.

Emori quickly joined in on my laughter, and we both just stood there, staring at each other in awe and joy. She was alive, somehow, some way, she had survived.

"She's alive, Ri," I breathe out the words, worried if I say them too loud it will somehow contradict the situation. Worried if I say it too clearly she'll be gone again.

Emori pulls me into a hug, smiling largely, and I hug her back harder, mirroring her expression.

Her voice fades in and out through the static, but I can understand almost everything she's saying. I close my eyes as I squeeze Emori tighter to me. She's alive.

"Uh, I thought Emori was my girlfriend," I hear someone say, and I quickly glance up to be met with Murphy. I instantly pull away from Emori and run toward him, embracing him in a hug, only to be followed by Emori, all of us joined in a group hug.

"Woah," Murphy let's out a small chuckle, "What's the occasion?" He asks, and I look up at him, a huge smile plastering over my features.

"Go get everyone," Is all I say, and he frowns in confusion, but nods slowly, before departing from me and Emori to (hopefully) do what I asked him to.

I send one more grin at Emori, before turning my attention back to the radio panel, listening to every word she has to say.

" _...name is Madi. You'd like her, Bel. She's intelligent, caring, and a great leader._ " She lets out a quiet snort.

 _"Kinda reminds me of someone..."_

—

I squint at the algae plants that Echo has been helping me farm. They seem to be growing perfectly normally, which is a huge relief. I remember a few months ago when one of them got infected with a virus and we all thought we were going to starve.

"Monty?" I instinctively turn at the sound of my name being called, and shout out a quick 'over here' in response.

"Raven wanted me to get everyone, come help me find Harper." Murphy's head pops into the doorway as he speaks, and I nod slowly. He seemed excited about something.

"I think Harper is in our cell," I say, making my way over to Murphy.

"You seem excited," I squint at him in question, "Why does Raven want us?" I ask, and Murphy shrugs, clueless.

"Not sure, but it's gotta be good news, you should've seen Emori and Raven's faces." He says, "They were at the radio, I think they got a hold of the bunker." He states, and I feel excitement spark up inside of me. I nod at the theory, considering it sounded reasonable.

We come to a stop when we reach mine and Harper's cell, and I open the door to be met with her sitting at the desk, reading an old book. She looked up at us, her eyes meeting mine.

"What is it?" She asks, and me and Murphy both shrug.

"No idea," I say, "But Raven wanted to get everyone together, it could be the bunker." I say, and her eyes light up. She is up out of her seat the next second and has joined us by the door.

"Then come on, let's go." She says, ushering us towards the door. I laugh quietly and we walk towards Echo's room.

When we find Echo, she looks furious, but also very guilty.

"What happened?" Harper asks, and Echo glares up at us.

"Bellamy happened." She says, rolling her eyes in annoyance. "That jackass." She mutters under her breath.

"Well, uh, we need to go to the radio room, Raven wants us all to meet there." I say, trying to ignore the angry presence Echo was building up inside of her cell.

"Good luck finding Bellamy." She says, annoyed. She gets up and begins to walk away, but before she makes it through the door, she quietly says one last thing before disappearing.

"Be gentle with him."

Harper and I exchange a glance, and Murphy sighs loudly.

"I'll find him, you two go to the radio room with Echo." He says, and we nod.

"Are you sure you won't need help?" I ask him, not really knowing how I could help, but if Murphy and Bellamy need me, I'll be there.

"Nah, that's okay. I got this one." Murphy says, and pats my shoulder before turning and leaving the room, going the opposite direction of Echo.

I take a moment to think about how much Murphy has changed since the dropship landed.

He used to be a real ass. Well, he still is, but he's getting there.

Harper and I follow Murphy out of the cell, before heading toward the radio room. I feel excitement and wonder churning through my stomach at the thought of whatever we're going to be met with when we reach it.

—

"Bellamy? You in here?" I call out when I reach the closed door of his cell. Silence is my only response. I knock on the door, but still get nothing in return.

As I turn the doorknob, I am practically convinced that Bellamy's not there at all, but when I swing the door open, I am met with the exact opposite.

Bellamy is sitting on the bunk, hunched over staring at the ground. I can tell he's in deep thought, so I don't say anything, but I slowly approach him.

"She said the craziest thing to me," Bellamy suddenly speaks up, almost making me jump.

A million questions run through my mind at his statement, but I decide to ask the most important one first.

"'She'?" I inquire, and he nods slowly.

"Echo," He states.

"Oh,"I say, not really sure what else to reply with.

"What did she say?" I question cautiously, not wanting him to snap on me.

He swallows loudly, before bringing his eyes up to meet mine. They quickly trail back down to the ground before he croaks out the next sentence.

 _"That I love her."_

It is barely audible, just above a whisper, but I hear his statement loud and clear. The only issue is I don't know how to respond.

When Bellamy notices the lack of my response, he tears his eyes away from the metallic panels that make up the floor and focuses his eyes on mine.

"Which is weird to say, she's gotta be crazy to even think..." His breath hitches, "...right?" His eyes search mine, as if to find some kind of confirmation, but the problem is I don't have any to offer.

After a few more moments of silence, his eyes lock with the ground again.

"Raven wanted us to meet in the radio room," I say, changing the subject. His head shoots up at the mention of the radio.

"Is it them?" He asks, hope filling his voice, probably at the thought of getting to talk to his sister again.

"I... I don't know, she didn't say," I reply honestly, deciding to leave out the detail of how excited they were, not wanting to give Bellamy possibly false hope.

He nods slowly, and stands up, before making his way out into the corridor.

Even though he might get to speak with Octavia again, I can sense a layer of sadness just underneath.

He's probably not even thinking about who he _can_ talk to.

He's probably thinking of who he can't.

 **. . .**

 **i'm gonna try to update at least once more before season five begins, just so I can give this story some sort of an ending if I do decide to finish it, but i hope you liked this chapter, please review, your input means a lot to me!**

 **don't be a silent reader!**

 **x**


	8. Chapter 8

I haul myself off the bunk that I was previously occupying, making my way to the hall, Murphy following me. My head is spinning with all the information I have obtained in the last few hours, and I feel like I'm running on overload.

I blink as I try to focus on the most positive piece of knowledge I now contain; I might be able to talk to O again.

Although I can feel excitement trying to bubble up inside my stomach, the rest of my weighing thoughts can't help but quench it.

If only I could get on the radio not to talk to Octavia, but to talk to _her_.

If only I could hear her laugh through the static of the radio when I crack a joke to avoid telling her how much I cared.

I swallowed hard.

If only I could tell her how damn hard it's been up here without her.

Tell her how much I needed her when she wasn't there.

And how much I miss seeing her face everyday.

If only I could hear her say the same.

"Hey, man, you alright?" Murphy's voice startled me out of my unrealistic thoughts, and I felt my heart wrench uncomfortably in my chest at the realization that that's all they'll ever be.

Thoughts.

—

As we near the radio room, I hear excited gasps and giggles echoing from inside the room. I know then that it's the bunker, it has to be.

I try not to cringe at the sick feeling I get when I think instead of who it is, who it isn't.

I breathe in deeply as we reach the outside of the door, which is closed. I try to feel happy that I will talk to Octavia again. I try to feel excited to ask her how impossible the last four years without me have been. I try to feel warm inside at the idea that they are okay, the bunker is safe, everyone is.

Well, almost everyone.

Suddenly I am hit with the realization of something. It punched me square in the chest and almost knocks the wind out of me. A simple thought leaving me breathless.

 _Abby._

I bite the inside of my cheek as I try to imagine listening to someone explain to her that she is never going to see her daughter again. No one is.

I know how much she means to her, _meant_ to her. I know how much Abby loved her, anyone could see it, clear as day.

The way she watched over her, protected her, wanted to be with her all the time. That she couldn't leave her alone for one second, and when she did, she couldn't get her mind off of her.

It's then that I realize, that maybe I have one too many things in common with Clarke's mother.

Murphy inches forward, clearly itching to see what's behind the door, and it's then that I notice how long I've been standing here, deep in thought, my hand wrapped firmly around the door handle.

Murphy shifts uncomfortably and clears his throat, so before he can asks me what I was just thinking about, I turn the doorknob and hear the heavy metallic door swing open on rusty hinges.

Instantly, everyone's eyes turn to us. No, no, not us. _Me_.

I step inside, only to be followed by Murphy. He makes his way over to Emori, and they begin whispering quietly to each other. I can only pick up a few words.

"...bunker?"

"I don't..."

"...alive..."

 _"...her,"_

I glance around at the people standing before me, the ones who are all staring at me like I just won something.

Well, all but Echo. She looks disheveled, even a bit... _frustrated?_

Suddenly Raven walks over to me. She places a hand on my arm and I squint at her in confusion.

"What's going on?" I manage to say, and she just smiles up at me, a real, genuine smile. I haven't seen her wearing one of those in a while.

"Maybe you should just listen," She says, and I feel my heart rate pick up. I'm not sure why though, it must be the bunker, who else would it be? Who else is left?

I swallow and nod my head, making my way over to the radio table with Raven, standing at the edge of it.

I look up from it at Raven questioningly, and she just presses a few buttons and turns some knobs.

All I hear is static.

"So," Raven starts, and I glance up at her. "The first thing I think you should know, is this is just a recording of something that was transmitted in just over forty minutes ago." I nod slowly, confused by the whole situation. Why did she need to explain this to me?

"And second," She bites her lip and looks down, almost guilty. "We can't talk back," She says, her voice just over a whisper.

"Wha-what?" I ask, somewhat shocked. So I'd get to hear O, but I wouldn't be able to speak to her. As glad as I would be to hear her voice, I know she'd want to hear mine too.

"She can't hear us." Raven says, and I nod slowly. This is better than nothing.

"Play it," I say, and Raven's face cracks into another smile, before her hand presses down on the button it was previously hovering over.

At first, there is nothing, just static.

Then there is a small crackle, breaking through the never ending noise.

Then there is a voice, fading in an out, almost to the point where I don't recognize it.

Like you'd have to be paying very close attention to hear her. But I did.

 _"Bel...my, if...me,"_ The radio spits out, and I hardly notice Raven messing with the knobs sitting on top of the panel.

I freeze.

Because the second I'm not paying very close attention to Clarke Griffin is the day I die.

It's like every muscle in my body shut down, and I couldn't move if I wanted to. It's like my mind couldn't even comprehend what was going on, so it just shut down. That's how I feel right now.

I feel light headed, like this is a dream. Which I wouldn't be surprised if it was. My stomach does backflips as her voice becomes clearer.

 _"Tel... aim for the... us,"_

Her voice is muffled, staticy, cracking, and overall practically impossible to understand.

But it's her.

My eyes widen and I blink repeatedly, I set my hand down on the table as all logical thoughts fly out of my head.

 _"Clarke,"_ I manage to breathe out, not even acknowledging that that is one of the first times I can remember saying her name out loud in years.

She's alive.

I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding as I listen to her talk, she sounds so... perfect.

 _"Her name is Madi. You'd like her, Bel."_ I revel in the sound of her saying my name again, Still struggling to wrap my head around it.

 _"She's intelligent, caring, and a great leader."_ She lets out a quiet snort and I let the first smile creep onto my cheeks at the sound of one of her own in her voice. My eyebrows furrow in shock and I suddenly feel tears well up in my eyes.

 _"Kinda reminds me of someone..."_ As her voice trails off, my heart catches in my throat. I close my eyes and rub them. If this was a dream, I didn't want to wake up.

Before I can think twice, I grab the receiver and click down on the button.

"C- Clarke? Can... can you hear me? I- it's Bellamy." I let go of the button and as I wait for a response, I quickly close my eyes in frustration, realizing what Raven had told me, just moments before.

Raven rests her hand on my shoulder soothingly and I let relief flow through me, but almost just as soon, reality sets in.

"Raven," I say, and she nods in response.

"Can you fix it?" I ask, mentally begging that she will nod again and start working on it.

Instead she looks at the ground, suddenly becoming very interested in her shoes.

"I'm not sure, Bel," She says, and it's then that I realize my name doesn't sound right on anyone's tongue. Anyone's but Clarke.

"It could take time," She finally brings her eyes back up to mine, and I am about to retort with an angry comment that would probably end up offending her, but I bite my tongue. I understand that she needs time, I understand that we have it, but what I don't have is patience.

I nod slowly, letting out a short sigh.

"Is that... is that it?" I ask, my attention now back on the radio panel.

"Yeah, for now. It kind of seemed like she had been calling in everyday though, from the way she was talking," Raven says, and my head perks up at her words.

 _"Every day?"_ My question comes out as a whisper, and I feel guilt gnaw at my stomach. Clarke's been radioing us _everyday_? For _four_ years?

As if she can read my thoughts, Raven quietly speaks up.

"And it didn't sound like she's been radioing _us_ everyday , it kind of sounded more like she was just radioing _you_."

My heart skips a beat. I let a small smile turn up my lips before I sit down in the chair at the edge of the desk, my mind reeling.

But out of the current mess of my mind, one thing is clear.

 _She's alive._

—

Eventually, as it gets later, one by one, everyone leaves. Soon enough it is just me and Raven sitting alone in the radio room.

She checks the watch on her wrist every once in a while, before heading back to twisting knobs and speaking into the radio to no one in particular.

After what seems like hours, she looks up at me, one eyebrow raised.

"Aren't you going to go?" She questions, and I look up at her. "It's getting late," She states.

I turn my attention back down to the radio sitting in front of me. I let a ghost smile cross my lips.

"No," I say quietly in response.

"I'm not leaving her. Never again."

 **. . .**

 **OKAY SO THAT'S THE END! unless you want more, if you do, then tell me, but now that the premiere has aired I doubt many people are going to find interest in my story anymore. But if I get enough replies asking for more, I will continue writing this story. TELL ME WHAT YOU THOUGHT OF THIS STORY! I love you all and I'm so grateful to every single one of my readers because this is definitely the most viewed story I've ever written, and I'm so thankful to you guys for that! You really made this story special to me, and without all your reviews I most likely wouldn't have continued it, SO THANK YOU READERS!**

 **hellabellarke out!**

 **x**

OMG I THOUGHT I POSTED THIS ON LIKE APRIL 25TH I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT HAPPENED IM SO SO SORRY!


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